


The Weight of Faith

by darkbluebox



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/M, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Stolen Century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 17:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17964830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkbluebox/pseuds/darkbluebox
Summary: The first night he spends in Lup’s quarters, Barry Bluejeans awakens in a blind panic.





	The Weight of Faith

**Author's Note:**

> TW for detailed description of an anxiety/panic attack

The first night he spends in Lup’s quarters, Barry Bluejeans awakens in a blind panic.

 

He hasn’t had an attack like this in some time. Yes, of course, he has them regularly enough – he can hardly blame himself, considering the kind of life he’s been leading over the last five decades – but it’s rarely enough to pull him from sleep so violently. His heart is pounding as though it’s ready to explode from his chest, and he’s tempted to go and run a ship-wide diagnostic because it feels like all the air has been sucked from the room.

 

Except it can’t have been. Lup sleeps on peacefully beside him, covers pooling around her as though she’s wearing an elegant layered dress instead of nothing at all. Her blonde hair glows silver in the dim night-mode lighting, and he can make out every freckle on her nose and across her cheeks. He follows the speckled pattern as it dips into her neck and spreads out across her chest and arms. A million intricate constellations printed into her skin.

 

Lup is so peaceful when she’s asleep. Of course, Barry loves her whether she’s gentle embers or roaring wildfire, but there’s a privilege to the sight that gets him right in the chest.

 

But for whatever reason, the sight of such tranquillity is doing nothing for Barry’s panic. Deep breath in, and hold, and out. This had to have come from somewhere. He hadn’t dreamt of much, not that he can remember, his sleep deep and easy. Better than it had been in a long time, he knows, because falling asleep in Lup’s arms filled him with something sweet and warm and overwhelming –

 

And there it is again. The knife-edge of fear slipping between his ribs and tearing his insides apart.

 

He wants to stretch his legs. He wants to go back to sleep. He wants to run away from it all and never look back. He wants to stay in this moment forever.

 

It isn’t a new fear. It’s an old one, woken from its slumber by the path from which there is no longer any return from.

 

Barry has loved Lup for a lifetime. A complete and filling love that has powered him through fear and pain and the suffering of entire civilisations.

 

For years, it was enough just to be. To have her friendship, her smile, the moments of joy that sprang from the terror of their situation like flowers through cracks in the concrete.

 

Now they’re Together, after decades of wondering and willing and imagining and pining, and it’s more than Barry has been built to handle. It’s too big of a feeling to fit into his fragile little human body, let alone to mould into any kind of words or expressions that can get across just how far gone he is.

 

When she looks at him it’s like standing in a supernova.

 

He’s panicking because there’s no going back. He had survived for so long believing his feelings unrequited, and now he can’t breathe, because every day they face an enemy that threatens to take _everything_ , and he

Can’t

Lose her.

 

He can’t lose her, he can’t, and the idea has him breaking out in a cold sweat.

 

And if they aren’t destroyed by the hunger. What then? There’s a million ways it could all go to hell. And she would be trapped with him forever in an endless cycle, forced to be with him after they’ve fallen apart.

 

Barry has never had so much to lose.

 

He isn’t sure how long he’s been crying, the tears hot against his cheeks. He clamps his hand over his mouth, trying to still his shaking body, but it isn’t enough.

 

Lup stirs behind him, shoving a mess of curls from her eyes. “Mmm. Babe?”

 

He isn’t quick enough to dry his eyes, he can tell by the way she pulls herself sharply upright. “Babe? What is it, talk to me.”

 

Barry shakes his head, tries to shake it all away. “Nothing. Nothing.”

 

Her arm curls around his shoulders and pulls him in against her. “Hey. Hey.”

 

He lets himself fall into her arms and they lie back in the bed, Lup curling around him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says through the ache in his throat.

 

“No, shhh.” She’s pressing kisses into the top of his head. It’s achingly gentle and sends another wave of fear through him. It’s all he’s ever wanted.

 

“It wasn’t…” Lup stops, hesitant. She twitches back from him. “Was it me? Did you not want to-?”

 

“No,” Barry says quickly, catching her arms before she can retreat. “It was- You were wonderful. You _are_ wonderful. I just…” The words stick for a moment in his throat, too small and insufficient to come close to the feeling burning him up. “I love you so much, Lup.”

 

There’s a pause before Lup pulls him into a fierce and crushing embrace. “I love you too, nerd.” She kisses him, deep and desperate, as though trying to imprint the words on his soul.

 

Barry’s head is spinning, and now he’s breathless for a very different reason. He runs his hands across Lup’s arms, up to cup her face, thumbs stroking across her cheeks, mapping her out through touch alone. Her lips are a warm, sweet pressure against his, and for a moment he loses himself to the taste of her.

 

When they break apart at last, Lup’s eyes are damp. “It’s okay. I’m… I’m scared too.”

 

The three words pull him apart and piece him together. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

 

“Listen,” Lup continues. “Look at me.” She meets his gaze with burning eyes, her forehead pressed against his. “They’re not going to get us. They’re _never_ getting us. The Hunger can throw what it wants at us, and it’ll still die trying.” She’s a shimmering beacon before him, almost too bright to look at. “We have each other. We’re never going to stop having each other. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Barry is crying again, but it’s a different kind of crying. A good kind.

 

Deep inside of him, a door opens.

 

He begins, for the first time in decades, to believe.

**Author's Note:**

> Leapt out of bed at 1:00 am to write this because the blupjeans feels hit me like a truck.
> 
> Let me know if you'd like more TAZ fic from me; I'm in the mood for a big project next and I need to decide who I'm going to write about.


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